to find who you are
by Slytherin Buttercat
Summary: Harry is tired of being called by his dead name. He's tired of his body. But at least Hermione and Ron are there for him.


**To my Secret Santa ;)**

...

to find who you are

...

 **Harry stared down at his body, hating what he saw. His breasts were growing. It was disgusting. He was disgusting. A freak against nature.**

 **He took a breath in before sliding a top on. He had work to do. Classes to get to. People to please.**

 **He held a hand to his head and glanced over at Lavender's bed. She always left it so messy. Sometimes he just wanted to go over there and clean it but he knew that wasn't a good idea because he would get mocked for being a dutiful little housemaid. That was all he was at home—well, he wouldn't call it home, because it definitely wasn't safe, but it was one of the only places that he knew.**

" **Come on, Holly," Hermione called up the stairs, her voice impatient.**

 **Harry flinched at the name, but he knew it was his fault as he hadn't told anyone yet. He tried to run a hand through his curly hair but failed, getting his hand tangled instead. He didn't want to go out today. Not when he felt so horrible.**

 **Hermione appeared in the doorway, clearly impatient, but her eyes softened when she saw Harry trembling. "I'm sorry, Holly," she said, reaching out a hand to place on his shoulder.**

 **Harry flinched away. "Do you feel unwell?"**

 **Harry nodded. "I can cover for you if you want to lie down?"**

 **Harry nodded again. "Okay. I'll see you later, Holly."**

 **She left, leaving him on his own. He lied down face first, falling into an uneasy sleep.**

 **...**

 **He dreamt of the first time he discovered who he was. He was eight years old, desperate to find a reason why he didn't quite feel like the other girls in his class. He remembered walking over to Dudley, asking to play a game of football, and then being laughed at because he was a girl and girls weren't allowed to play football. He remembered screaming that he wasn't a girl and he should be allowed to play.**

 **But his dream was warped, and Dudley turned into a dinosaur that tried to eat him, and Voldemort appeared to greet the Girl-Who-Lived, and he woke up screaming for people who weren't there to save him from this living nightmare.**

 **It didn't work.**

 **...**

 **He got out of bed at lunchtime, grabbing his bag and going down the stairs. He was still tired, definitely, but he couldn't hide anymore. He had to face the day, despite the fact that he was so gross and feminine.**

" **Hi, Holly," Ron said as he slipped into the seat next to him. "How are you?"**

" **Tired," he said, placing a sandwich onto his plate and pushing it around a bit to make it look like he was eating.**

" **Do you feel better?" Hermione asked, glancing at him in concern.**

" **Marginally."**

 **Harry was not a man of only a few words: he usually talked the night away. Hermione and Ron glanced at each other, concern dancing through their eyes. "Are you sure you don't want to go back to bed?" Hermione asked.**

 **Harry hated the girl dormitories. They always smelled sweet and contained giggling. One time they had turned into a slide, but he had managed to get past that in the shape of telling the staircase that he was not yet out. "No. I'm okay."**

 **...**

 **He wasn't okay. He had Defence next, and Lockhart always seemed to make it his mission to make his life miserable. "Ah, if it isn't the Girl-Who-Lived!" he exclaimed as Harry walked in. "Come, Holly, you can be the Wailing Witch today!"**

 **Harry groaned, placing a dark hand to his forehead to quickly calm himself before walking over to Lockhart. "Three, two, one..."**

 **Harry screamed really loud, startling the class but relieving some stress. This was how to get a high grade in the class. He had to do this.**

 **It was so embarrassing.**

 **At least it was almost the holidays so he would have a break. Lockhart would leave him alone. Stop trying to teach him tips on how to be a famous woman that tend to include using his body to his advantage, which he most definitely did not want to do. His body was his weakness and he hated it.**

 **The lesson ended with Harry running from the room to get away from Lockhart and Hermione and Ron hurrying after him.**

 **...**

 **A few days passed and it was the Christmas holidays. The Polyjuice was almost ready and it was almost Christmas. And then Ron and Hermione confronted him when they were alone in the Common Room.**

" **Are you transgender?" Ron asked suddenly, startling Harry. "Hermione told me that you flinch every time someone calls you a girl or by your name, and that's what Charlie used to do when mum slipped up and called him by his dead name."**

 **Harry blinked twice, his heart pounding. Could he tell the truth? They were trustworthy. Right? "What—what if I was?"**

" **Then you should have told us, you dolt!" Hermione declared, flying at him and wrapping her arms around his neck in what appeared to be a hug. "Nobody would judge you for it in the wizarding world! Loads of Pureblood families have transgendered children, and there're loads of spells for it: I've researched it!"**

" **Do you have a preferred name?" Ron asked hesitantly. "And you are a male, right, or are you one of the other genders?"**

 **Harry nodded. "I prefer to use the name Harry, and I am a boy," he said. "Are you sure you're fine with this?"**

" **Don't be stupid," Hermione mumbled into his ear. "You're still you."**

" **Yeah, Charlie is trans, and he's cool," Ron added. "Come on, let's get some lunch."**

 **...**

 **Being Polyjuiced into Crabbe wasn't that bad. He felt more like him, with a body like that. However, it didn't last, but Hermione promised to show him some spells to help with dysphoria, so it should be fine soon.**

 **As soon as Hermione comes out of the Hospital Wing, he will tell everyone who he truly was. He just needed her by his side first.**

 **...**

" **I don't want to be a witch today," Harry told Lockhart, crossing his arms over his chest. "I'm a wizard, and I want to act as one."**

 **He glanced at Ron, who gave him the thumbs up. Lockhart seemed startled. "Um, you, sure." He shook his head slightly. "You can be the Werewolf that destroys towns."**

 **Harry smiled slightly. That was easier than he expected. Maybe tomorrow he would sleep in the boys dorm after all, as Dean and Seamus and Neville all seemed to be nodding at him with acceptance. This felt freeing, and he wanted to tell the whole world now.**

 **...**

 **/sorry if you hate this, i had no idea what to do but trans!harry is a concept. it's not really accurate of trans people and i'm not sure it's hit the word count requirement. /**


End file.
